What Am I Doing?

Why have I decided to do a blog? I am not planning on telling anyone (as of yet). So why? Because I have spent the last 2 months reading teacher's blogs. I love them. As soon as I figure out how to link to other blogs, I will. I want to be a teacher. Specifically, a middle school science teacher. I would be interested in teaching math, but science is my first choice.

I used to be a lawyer. A corporate lawyer. At my first job I did international finance-type stuff for a while, and then settled into domestic finance. I worked at a huge firm in a big city. I was in a department that was known throughout the city as being tough. The hours were awful (I spent a 3 month period in which I did not arrive home before 10pm), and the environment was 85% male. I didn't mind all of this so much. What I hated was the people with whom I worked. Some were wonderful. Invariably, they left the firm. Others were terrors. They shouted and screamed. They questioned my competency. They called my questions stupid. I might not have been a lawyer-extraordanaire, but I graduated from a top 15 to top 10 (depending on the year) law school. I was not an idiot. Yet I was made to feel like one. Not a great place. So what did I do? I switched firms.

A more intelligent woman might have figured that it was the law that was not for her. But I thought it was the firm. So I went to a kinder, gentler law firm. I would go from billing 2300 hours a year to 1900 hours a year. I thought this would be the difference. My new law firm had nicer lawyers, nicer clients, and nicer hours. It would be a whole new world for me, and I was sure I would love it. Fast forward 6 months, and I was more miserable than before. I would cry to my husband every Sunday night - "Please don't make me go back!" My husband was a lawyer too, so he should know how I felt, but he didn't think it was too bad. He thought my misery was misplaced and would soon disappear. He thought I just needed to give it a chance. He thought wrong.

I got to the point where I couldn't bear to go to work, but I knew I had to. I would lock my door and lay on my floor and cry. I did my work, but my heart wasn't in it anymore. I went from super-conscientious lawyer to lazy lawyer. I felt my reputation slipping. And I just didn't care. I was so miserable that whether or not a client got a $500,000 basket or a $1,000,000 basket didn't matter to me. But I still had to argue for it. And I hated my life.

My husband, my therapist and my marriage counselor (more on this later) said my decision to quit seemed sudden. Where had these people been for the last 2 months? I was crying, I was depressed, I was miserable. I talked of quitting constantly. I do agree, the actual implementation of my departure from the world of law was quick. I planned my getaway and put in my notice. I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to teach science (my B.S. is in Genetics). I wanted to teach middle school (more on this later, too). The only advice I solicited from my husband was his thoughts on the money situtation. It was necessary. I went from a six figure salary to paying $5,000 a semester for school. But if I had not quit when I did, I would have been so miserable I don't think I could have managed.